She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize