he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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