after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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