Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
