Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Life is so much better after having sex.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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