Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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