Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
