Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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