bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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