I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He felt like a one man threesome
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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