I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
