I think I won the penis lottery.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
