I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
