last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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