forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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