like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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