Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize