Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
