Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
