So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Mom said you looked used
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
