someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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