things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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