five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
