I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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