I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
