please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
