he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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