i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
