Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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