I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
