I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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