i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
