Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
