do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh god it's open bar.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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