ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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