There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
