so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
