ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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