I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can you bring me the toilet please
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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