He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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