Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
