she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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