I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just saw a hot homeless man
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
