I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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