I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize