just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
