matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
