I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize