She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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