We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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