3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
