Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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