the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
