just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
