Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
