Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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