He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
