I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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