I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
