Already got asked if we're dating
if you like me you must not know who I am
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize