Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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