He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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