I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
