You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize