Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
