i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize