there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
