First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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