dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
