i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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