I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize